Ichigo Reads the Seretei Communications
by chancewriter
Summary: HEADLINE: FANFICTION LABELS ICHIGO KUROSAKI AS HARDCORE HOMOSEXUAL. The report follows on the heels of extensive investigations into the 'internet' site called fanfiction. net that pairs him with...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: hey guys, this is my first IchiRuki fic. Hope you like it. Tell me what you think.

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"Hey." Ichigo lazily called as he saw Rukia enter his bedroom window with something rolled up under her arms. "What's that you got there?" He asked looking up more intently from his position at his writing desk.

Rukia plopped herself onto Ichigo bed as she unrolled two magazines.

"This is the latest Chappy serialization!" She said, her eyes shining in awe, her voice trembling in anticipation.

Ichigo sighed, disbelieving that the Kuchiki princess could be such an idiot.

"And the other?"

"Huh? Oh that's just the latest issue of the _Seretei Communications_." She absentmindedly answered as she flicked the magazine to Ichigo and refocused her attentions to the Chappy gold she now had in her possession.

Ichigo caught the magazine and without a second glance opened it up to the third page where he immediately spotted his name in red caps. The headline read:

_FAN FICTION LABELS ICHIGO KUROSAKI AS HARDCORE HOMOSEXUAL SLUT _

_According to a new report released recently by a panel of top literary minds, Ichigo Kurosaki has been dubbed a raging homosexual. The report follows on the heels of the detailed and extensive investigation into the Living World 'internet' site called '.' _

_The findings, published in multiple 'fics' as they are known, support speculation that Kurosaki is indeed gay. Various articles romantically pair Kurosaki with various male partners inclusive of Sixth Division Lieutenant, Renji Abarai, Fourth and Sixth Espada, Ulquiorra Cifer and Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez together with Sixth Division Captain Byakuya Kuchiki and the Quincy, Uryuu Ishida. _

"_I always knew that Ichigo was gay." Said Yumichika Ayasegawa, Seretei's resident homosexual. "It's quite obvious really. No straight man could possibly be that oblivious to Orihime Inoue's massive breasts! However, what I don't understand is how come there's no pairings of Ichigo and ME! He's with everybody else! I feel really left out."_

_Ayasegawa was of course referring to the wide spectrum of yaoi filled articles involving Ichigo with a host of partners of the male species inclusive of people he is trying to kill (former Fifth Division Captain Sosuke Aizen), people he has never even spoken to (Primera Espada, Stark), people who look like twelve and thus suggests a fetish for paedophilia (Tenth Division Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro) and people who live within him (most notably, his inner Hollow, Hichigo.) _

_According to his family however, Kurosaki does very little in the way to detract from the gay rumours and pairings. His father Isshin Kurosaki says, _

"_Like any good parent, I want my son to be out in the world screwing girls left right and centre, but he doesn't seem interested in it. Even when the girl came to him, Ichigo still didn't take the opportunity to get into my third daughter Rukia's pants. Oh Masaki! I have failed you so! Our boy would rather get into Renji's pants than sleep with our third daughter!"_

_Former Second Division Captain and Kurosaki's mentor, Yoruichi Shihouin, also supports this claim (not Isshin's incestfest, that is), stating that Ichigo actually "blocks his eyes" when he sees her naked form. "Very strange for a teenage boy to do," she commented. _

_Despite some articles that hint at a possible and vague connection with one Rukia Kuchiki and Orihime Inoue, it is glaringly obvious that articles from the internet site, , is in full support of Kurosaki being partnered with multiple male personalities. When questioned as to why the surge of yaoi pairings for Kurosaki, former Twelfth Division Captain, Kisuke Urahara, answered, _

"_Ichigo is a man followed by his biggest reputation. When he saved Rukia Kuchiki from her execution, did anyone remember? A few. When he rescued Orihime Inoue from Hueco Mundo, does anyone really recall that? Meh, not really. But he sucked one cock..." _

Rukia looked up from her reading on the bed suffocating from the massive reiatsu that was pouring out of Ichigo. A thick heavy aura encircled him as his eyes screamed murderous intent.

"Ichigo?" She tentatively called out.

"I'm gonna kill them!" He ground out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

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"Kill who, Ichigo?" Rukia asked as she looked at Ichigo vibrating with rage like a plucked guitar string.

"Whoever's in charge of the Seretei Communications!" He shouted at her.

"The Ninth Division, then. Umm, why, I ask foolishly?" Rukia asked, suspecting that the crumpled magazine in Ichigo's hand had something to do with his sudden desire to commit mass murder.

As Ichigo remembered the blasphemous article he reached a point in his rage where he could no longer talk. He threw the magazine to Rukia who deftly caught it and despite not knowing what she was looking for, quickly found the offending article. It was a bit difficult to miss the article in bold red ink that read:

_FAN FICTION LABELS ICHIGO KUROSAKI AS HARDCORE HOMOSEXUAL SLUT_

Ichigo looked at Rukia as she read the article and he tried to judge from her expression whether she too was feeling the indignant rage at such a blatant disrespect to him and to journalism. Her eyebrows shot in the air as her large eyes expanded to take up three-quarters of her face and her lips trembled in what he undoubtedly saw as the barely contained white hot rage of a thousand burning suns.

So he was completely shocked when she burst out laughing. And not just any laughter, but she rolled around on the bed, kicking up her feet and pounded the bed until she got a stitch in her side and had to do Lamaze breathing to get it to go away.

Ichigo sweatdropped.

"I thought we were supposed to have each other's backs, Rukia." He ground out.

"I thought so too, but according to this article you have the backs of Renji, Nii-sama and Ulquiorra!" Rukia burst out laughing again. "Ow, ow, ow." She winced as she gripped her sides and did a sort of wheeze-laugh that Ichigo couldn't help but notice made her sound like Ernie from Sesame Street, not that she'd get the reference.

"This is fucking bullshit!" He bellowed and kicked the desk chair where it crashed into the closet and shattered quickly becoming kindling for a fire.

"The hell's up with all this racket?" Kon's massive one foot frame demanded as he jumped down from the closet.

"What were you doing in my room?" Rukia heatedly asked with her eyebrows furrowed, but the fact that she asked it sounding like she was having a heart attack lessened the threatening tone.

"Nii-san." Kon squealed and ran towards her but was interrupted with a kick from Ichigo that sent him sprawling in an undignified heap at the bottom of the door.

"First of all," Ichigo turned to Rukia, "That is not your room."

She gave him a raised eyebrow.

"Secondly," He continued, ignoring the international signal for are-you-for-bloody-real that he got from Rukia's eyebrow. "You showed more rage that Kon was in _my _closet than at that bloody article!" He boomed at her.

Rukia opened her mouth to protest, but was cut off by Kon (a mod-soul with quite surprising recuperative properties, she idly thought.)

"Wow. I haven't seen Ichigo this upset since I ruined his reputation by going around town and looking at girls."

A twitch broke out in Ichigo's right eye. Rukia's lips trembled some more. To her credit she really tried to keep in it and she got as far as two seconds before she burst out laughing again.

Ichigo rounded on Kon.

"Why'd you have to say it like that? I'M NOT GAY." And he kicked Kon again, but this time Kon probably was kicked all the way back to 1982.

Rukia cackled some more. Ichigo took in a deep breath in an effort to calm himself as he realized that in that tone of voice he wouldn't believe him either.

He sat down on the bed holding his head in his hands The petite, wheezing Shinigami who was wiping tears away from her eyes realized that this was seriously bothering him.

"Ichigo," Rukia called out to him in a tone so strong he knew that he had to listen. He looked up at her wearily. "What kind of man are you? If you know that it's not true and I know that it's not true, then what should it matter? Or do you have such thin skin that something like this will have you in tears. What are you in kindergarten? Stop being so silly! This should be like water off of a duck's back. I am so disappointed. This is not the man that I know. I am so disgusted!" Rukia finished her speech to give him her most scathing Kuchiki glare that would have made even Byakuya shiver (on the inside at least) and she stood up to make an exit through the window.

However, a hand grabbed her at her wrist. Rukia looked down to see Ichigo wearing his customary scowl and a light smirk.

"Midget, just sit down and shut up."

Rukia smirked. He was back to normal. She sat back down on the bed. Everything was back to normal.

Suddenly, Kon snatched the magazine that was still clutched in Rukia's hands. She jumped away from him like he was a skittish zoo animal having completely forgotten that he was there.

"What article has stupid Ichigo making my precious nii-san upset?" Kon asked as he rummaged through the pages. Ichigo rolled his eyes. As usual somehow Kon managed to turn every crisis into a Rukiafest.

"Oh this must be it." Kon began to read the article out loud.

_Seme or Uke? Recent Poll has Ichigo Kurosaki leading with 78% saying that he's an uke. _

_Following on the heels of the extensive report into Living World internet site called Fanfiction .net (see article on page 3,) The Seretei Communications took to the streets to find out what are the thoughts on the topic on everyone's mind: Does Ichigo top or bottom? Here is a sample of the people we interviewed. We first questioned his father, a man whom has always been able to see eye to eye with his son. _

_Isshin Kurosaki: Definitely bottom. _

_Seretei Communications: And why do you say that, sir?_

_Isshin Kurosaki: I think it's a mother issue. You see, my dear wife, Masaki left this world too soon and since then Ichigo has blamed himself for her death. Thus, he will constantly put himself in a position (pardon the pun) where he feels it will be easier for him to take (again, pardon the pun) the troubles off of his dear family. It's all psychological and it of course affects the physical. _

_The Seretei Communications next interviewed Orihime Inoue, but she thought the question was rhetorical, as are all questions directed at the busty blonde end up being. _

_Orihime Inoue: No wait. He's definitely a seme._

_Seretei Communications: What are your reasons for that belief, Miss?_

_Orihime Inoue: Well Ichigo's a really aggressive and scary guy and studies have shown that that archetype is more likely to be a seme. As a matter of fact I have read studies where they say that in homosexual relationships the aggressive, scowling person is 96% more likely to be a seme._

_The Seretei Communications would like to believe Inoue's statements to be true, but because such statements are coming from the ditsy blonde, that fact can range anywhere from 96% to rabbits. _

_The Seretei Communications therefore, looked upon a more reliable and trustworthy source. _

_Sosuke Aizen: Definitely uke. _

_Seretei Communications: Any reasons for stating as such, sir?_

_Sosuke Aizen: Well, correct me if I am wrong, but wasn't it Kuchiki Rukia that pushed the __sword__ in __him__? _

Ichigo slowly turned his head to face Rukia who at that moment began to whistle and suddenly found the ceiling most interesting.

"Open a senkai gate, Rukia. I'm gonna fucking kill them!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

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Ichigo stomped his way up the balcony to the Ninth Division with Rukia trailing unwillingly behind him.

"Not only am I gay, but I'm an uke too? The motherfu –" Ichigo never got to finish that sentence because he then ran smack into Matsumoto.

"Ichigo! Watch where you're going."

"You watch where you're going!"

"Sorry, I'm just in such a rage. I can't believe that Hisagi published this in the Seretei Communications!"

"Oh, he screwed you too?"

"He wishes," Matsumoto muttered, "But in a sense, yes. Look at this!" And she thrust the magazine into his hands where it was already opened up to page 9. Rukia came closer so that she too could read,

_The Seretei Communications sit down with Lieutenant Matsumoto Rangiku of the Tenth Division as she talks about her important role of Vice Captain for one of the most demanding and hard-working captains of the Gotei 13, Captain Hitsugaya Toushiro. _

_SC: Looking lovely as ever, Lieutenant Matsumoto. _

_RM: Hisagi, stop that. Stop looking at my breasts right now. _

_SC: I'm sorry. It's just that you're like my white whale. _

_RM: WHAT? I am not fat!_

_SC: No wait. I mean it in the sense that I'm Captain Ahab and you're the creature that – _

_RM: Growl Haine– _

_SC: Wait! I just mean that you're hard to get. _

_RM: Oh. Thanks...I think. _

_SC: Aaaaaaanyway, Lieutenant Matsumoto, the Tenth Division is widely known to be one of the most efficient divisions of the Seretei. Their paperwork is never late. What sort of division of labour scheme do you have with Captain Hitsugaya?_

_RM: The division is set with a ratio of 1:0 in favour of the Captain. _

_SC: I'm sorry, but I think that I'm misunderstanding. Are you saying that you do no work in the Division?_

_RM: Yes, yes. That is exactly what I am saying. _

_SC: But how is this possible?_

_RM: Listen, I won't lie. It's not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes I think that I won't be able to get through the morning without at least opening a letter or something. But then I power through and just spend the morning ticking off the items that I want to order from the Victoria Secret catalogue whenever I get back to the Living World. _

_SC: Victoria Secret? So like, what'd you order? _

_RM: Hisagi. _

_SC: The Seretei Communications is thoroughly interested in achieving a holistic approach to this interview and it's only fair that we take pictures of you at work and in the lingerie that you bought. _

_RM: HISAGI!_

_SC: Sorry. Um, right, where were we? Right, so Captain Hitsugaya is unaware of the lack of work you get done. _

_RM: He has a general idea, but I do a spectacular job at keeping my cool. I am a Lieutenant, you know, and I know that as a lieutenant I have to maintain a certain degree of responsibility. That's why I am astonishingly good at throwing off the Captain's suspicion. What kind of Lieutenant and role model would I be for my subordinates if I were easily caught by Captain for not doing anything at all? I have a responsibility as a Lieutenant. _

_SC: Riiiight. Exactly how do you accomplish this task-dodging? _

_RM: Oh it's a skill, but I learned from Captain Ich– Ahem. I learned from someone the art of slacking off. You should me in action. I move the paperwork from one side of the desk to the other, I spend forty-five minutes putting ink in my pen, I spend another two hours changing the dates on the stamp, I move the paperwork back to the other side of the table. After lunch I take a nap and then distract Captain Hitsugaya for a while with things like talking about shopping or I try to get him to guess my bra size. Surprisingly he never seems interested about all the funny troubles I get into because of my breasts. He usually gets annoyed and sends me away. I don't know about you, but that is a direct order and as a Lieutenant I have a responsibility to carry out the duties that my Captain assigns me._

_SC: What kind of trouble do you get into with your breasts?_

_RM: Oh you know, I can't let them out because they can get caught in things or they distract people. _

_SC: I would like to respectfully disagree. I think that as a modern woman you should let your breasts hang out as I see, I mean, as you see fit. _

_RM: Hisagi. _

_SC: Sorry. _

_RM: Anyway, I gotta go. I have to go out drinking with Kira and Captain Kyoraku so that I'd be totally wasted and won't be able to come in early for work tomorrow. That's the thing. Slacking off is a full time job. _

"Ummm Matsumoto," Ichigo shakily started as he finished reading the interview, unsure of how to break it to her, "this time I think that the Seretei Communications got you spot on. You actually don't do any work."

"Well I know that!" She threw up her hands in frustration.

"Then what the hell's the problem?" Ichigo exasperatedly asked.

"Look at this! He printed the picture of me from the left side!"

Ichigo and Rukia sweatdropped.

"Matsumoto, nothing is wrong with your article or your picture. The Seretei Communications did not manage to insinuate nothing that isn't true. You _are_ a lazy, big-breasted flake. Unlike with Ichigo where everyone now thinks that he's gay." Rukia argued.

"He isn't?"

"What?" Ichigo screeched. Yes, he screeched, like a banshee, like a bird, like a badly behaved two-year old.

Ichigo marched into the Ninth Division's head office with Matsumoto hot on his heels and with Rukia trailing behind slowly and calmly. Or exhaustedly. Or cautiously. Or high. Whichever, but the point is that she was definitely not as hyped up as the two 'wrongfully' treated 'victims' of journalism.

The main offices of the Seretei Communications were situated in the central building of the Ninth Division and Ichigo, Matsumoto and Rukia walked in just in time to see Hisagi get slapped in the face with green ink as he just unsuccessfully tried to change the colour in the printer.

"Karma's a bitch." Matsumoto all but spat out.

"Matsumoto. Ichigo. Kuchiki-san." Hisagi greeted.

"Don't you Ichigo me." Ichigo scowled. "The hell is this Hisagi?" And he flung the latest copy of the Seretei Communications in Hisagi's face which the Lieutenant deftly caught.

"What?" Hisagi asked innocently.

"What? That is character assassination! That is defamation of character. That is slander! I am not gay!"

"You aren't?"

"Why the fuck does everybody ask it like that?"

"Ichigo, calm down. You are making a scene." Rukia ordered.

"Ichigo, the Seretei Communications never said that you were gay. We said that the internet site, fanficiton .net said that you were gay. So if you have a problem you should take it up with those yaoi fangirls who insist with pairing you with Grimmjow and Captain Hitsugaya."

"Eww. Gross. Captain Hitsugaya is not into guys."

"Oh and I am?"

"You aren't though? Seriously?" Matsumoto asked in genuine confusion.

"This is all your fault." Ichigo rounded on Hisagi.

"No. We just report the news as it is. Listen, if it makes you feel any better there were lots of fics with Kuchiki-san too."

Rukia, who had been wishing that she had brought along with her the latest Chappy serialization, perked up at the mention of her name.

"Huh? What are you talking about Hisagi-san?"

"Well there are lots of fics out there that's paired you with Ichigo, Renji, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Ishida, Captain Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Inoue, Kaien Shiba, Aaroniero, Captain Byakuya, Kon, Urahara-san. The list goes on. You're like a real slut."

Rukia, who already had a pale complexion, was now as white as a...well as a ghost. Everyone wondered if she had had a stroke and had somehow died standing up. Ichigo wanted to joke that if she really had died that _now _was the time that she could get it on with Kaien, but he reckoned now was not the time for jokes.

"Rukia," Ichigo tentatively called out.

"First of all," She started off in a small, but a definitely menacing tone, "I am no slut. I am a virgin. How dare they sully the Kuchiki name like that?"

Ichigo, Hisagi and Matsumoto took a step back. Rukia was letting out some seriously deadly reiatsu.

"Secondly, Ulquiorra? I've never even spoken to him together with the fact that that is high treason! How many times do they want me to get executed? And Byakuya? He 's MY BROTHER! And Kaien-dono? He's DEAD! What? Do I make out with him in a séance?"

"Actually, in one of them you get Inoue to resurrect him –"

"Shut up! It was a rhetorical question!" Ichigo interrupted him.

"Ichigo, I'm going to be put on death row again after I murder Hisagi, so this time I mean it – don't save me." Rukia calmly stated as she started to draw her zanpakutō.

Hisagi stepped back a few paces.

"Whoa, Rukia, calm down." Ichigo stated as he put an arm around her in an interesting reversal of the roles as he stepped between Hisagi and Rukia.

"Would everybody just calm down. Kuchiki-san I'm sorry." Hisagi apologized, "but I just report the news. Like I told Ichigo, you have to take up your issue with the writers of the fics on fanfiction .net."

"If that's the case then why the hell do you keep reporting this crap? Don't you have like more important shit to write on? Like the Seretei economy? Or maybe even where the fuck is Aizen and what's his next move?" Ichigo berated him.

"What do you want me to write? He is coming back soon and a war is going to break out. We just don't know when. How the hell am I supposed to get people to follow based on that alone?"

"Umm, ever heard of Christianity?" Matsumoto mumbled.

"Che. Aizen already has a God complex. Listen guys, we are about selling issues of the Seretei Communications. We get our stories from various sources. I'm sorry that you're story was the headline, but this was something that the Seretei needs."

"The Seretei needs to know false stories about my sexuality?"

"Yes. No. I mean that the Seretei needs distracting stories to boost morale because I'm picking up the vibes that people are feeling kind of bummed about the losses we suffered in the last war with Aizen. I'm just getting the vibes from the people. You know, the electrical pulse from the Seretei is low."

"You can pick up electrical pulses? Hisagi, don't tempt me with a hair dryer and a bathtub." Rukia spat at him, obviously still fuming.

Ichigo sighed. This was getting nowhere.

"You know what, I give up. You can write all the ridiculous stories that you want to boost people's morale. I know that this is a just a seven-day wonder and no one is actually going to remember this. You're right. This will just give people something to laugh about and then it's on to the next funny topic, which is probably that you have green paint smeared around your mouth, Hisagi."

Hisagi wiped at his mouth and succeeded in smearing the paint even more.

"Did I get it?"

Ichigo, Rukia and Matsumoto stared at him.

"Yeah, you got it." They lied.

At that moment a Hell butterfly floated in and landed on Rukia's outstretched hand. She read out loud:

_This is a message for Ichigo Kurosaki via Kuchiki Rukia. The Captain Commander of the Gotei 13 requests an audience with Kurosaki Ichigo. Kurosaki-san is required to bring along on his visit a detailed report chronicling his homosexual relationship with the now defected Aizen Sosuke." _

Ichigo froze. There was a thick silence and the only thing that could be heard was the vibrations from Ichigo's body as he pulsated with rage.

Then it was heard. A small snigger at first from Matsumoto. A snicker was followed by Rukia. But it was Hisagi who was unable to rein it in. He laughed out loud and soon Matsumoto and Rukia were in tears.

Ichigo looked at Hisagi.

"Oh shut up. At least I don't look like I just gave a blow job to a leprechaun."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**A/N**: **This chapter is dedicated to _Totoromo_**

**Byakuya was supposed to make an appearance in this chapter but as you can see this chapter got away from me, so he'll appear a bit later.**

**Oh and the ad at the end of the chapter is based on a real ad.**

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"Ha. Ha." Hisagi dryly laughed at Ichigo's comeback as he turned his back to the group and continued to rummage around in the colour copier, but he was having trouble.

Rukia, Ichigo and Matsumoto stood up in a strange perverted awe as they watched Hisagi struggle with the machine. After a while Ichigo spoke up and said,

"You know, I understand that sometimes the parts in some machines like colour copiers are threaded in reverse, so that their rotation don't cause them to come loose during everyday operation. Maybe Hisagi, _you'd_ be happier if you screwed differently, is all I'm saying."

Rukia and Matsumoto burst out laughing. Hisagi just shook his head and laughed as he slammed the front door of the copier shut. The machine started to whir and suddenly continued printing, spitting out sheet after sheet of shit…well, that was what Ichigo now referred to as the Seretei Communications.

"Say what you want, Ichigo, but I'm not the one who has to go to the Captain Commander talking about the nights of hot passion you had with Aizen on the beaches of Botswana or wherever the heck he is."

Ichigo's smirk disappeared to reveal a look of blank and naked hatred for Hisagi.

"Motherfuc –"

"Ichigo." Rukia called out to him roughly, much like the way you'd call off a bad dog. "Calm down. All you have to do is explain to the Captain Commander that this has all been a huge misunderstanding. Come on now, say it with me. Woo Sah."

Ichigo gave her the raised eyebrow.

"Fine. How about every time someone says something about you being gay, you stop yourself by reciting something innocuous and less threatening. Like…like… like interesting trivia about Japan or like geographical facts."

Ichigo looked to be pondering the idea while Matsumoto and Hisagi marvelled over the new and inventive ways that Rukia came up with to stop Ichigo from losing his shit.

"Hmm, like the fact that Botswana has no beaches." Ichigo stared pointedly at Hisagi.

"Sorry, I was mixing it up with Brazil." Hisagi muttered as he sheepishly scratched the back of his head.

"What? Brazil and Botswana are not even in the same hemisphere! Are you rounding off your beaches to the nearest country?"

"Yeah. That right there just cements the intellectual integrity of the Seretei Communications." Rukia muttered. "Come on, Ichigo. You have a date with the Captain Commander."

"Speaking of dates, I think there are some fics with you and the old man, Ichigo. Dinner and Dentures I think the name of it was."

Ichigo glared at Hisagi.

"The only primate mammal in Japan is the Japanese macaque." Ichigo muttered. He was not going to curse anymore. He was not going to lose his cool over this.

"Speaking of animals, there's this fic with you –" But Ichigo hurried from there before Hisagi added bestiality to Ichigo's range of ever expanding sexual activities and before he had to launch into Japan's national anthem.

Rukia and Ichigo quietly walked over to the Captain Commander's office. A little too quietly as far Ichigo was concerned. Something was bothering Rukia and Ichigo suspected it was the whole Rukia-is-a-slut-in-fanfiction debacle. He wanted to tell her that not all the pairings seemed bad, namely the ones with him and her, but saying that would suggest that he was in support of a relationship with her and that was…that was a scary thought since he was positive that Rukia did not feel the same way.

But maybe he should let her know how he felt about her. He shouldn't be so shy about his feelings because if he had to speak the truth this whole misunderstanding with the Seretei Communications was 50% his fault. He was simply too shy. The other 50% was due to Hisagi's dickishness.

It was decided. He was going to be more assertive in his feelings towards Rukia. Starting after his meeting with the Captain Commander, Ichigo was going to ask Rukia out.

They arrived at the Captain Commander's head office and Rukia stepped back.

"You not coming in?" Ichigo asked.

"Why? Do you need me to hold your hand? Do you need me to carry you inside?" She asked with a smirk playing on her lips.

"Pshhh. You and what army are going to lift me up and carry me inside, midget?"

"Oh shut up. Just go inside and look out for ceiling fans, tall stuff."

Ichigo smirked. He liked this. He liked their banter. He was definitely going to ask her out after his meeting with Old Man Yamamoto.

"Catch ya later, Ichigo."

"Where ya headed?"

"Oh, almost somewhere near here." Rukia replied with an astonishing lack of precision before she turned on her heels and left before Ichigo had a chance to question her.

Ichigo shrugged at her behaviour.

"Whatever. Time to get this over with." Ichigo muttered as he knocked gently on the shogi doors.

"Enter."

Ichigo slid open the door, entered and slid the door shut behind him.

"Ah! Kurosaki I hope you brought your report with you."

"Um, about that, sir. Captain, I swear there was nothing. This has all been a huge misunderstanding." Ichigo started off sheepishly.

"Nonsense, Kurosaki. Go on and don't be afraid to skip over the raunchy details."

A twitch broke out over Ichigo's eye. He was not going to lose his temper, especially in front of the Captain Commander.

"In 1854 American Commodore, Matthew Perry, secured a treaty that opened Japan to foreign trade." Ichigo rattled off.

"What?"

"Sir, listen to me. I have never and do not and will never have any sort of relationship with Aizen other than that of good/guy bad guy, guy trying to save Soul Society/guy trying to destroy Soul Society. We are enemies. Not lovers."

"So you have never been involved in a heated and passionate love affair with the former Captain?"

Ichigo cringed. He never wanted to hear the words 'passionate', 'heated' 'Aizen' and 'love affair' in the same sentence ever again. So he rattled off:

"In 1937 Japan and China went to war." The twitch was so bad now that Ichigo looked like he was sending Captain Yamamoto a message in Morse code.

"Allllright. Kurosaki are you sure? Because the Seretei Communications has published that –"

"Japan's state flower is the Cherry Blossom. The capital of Hokkaido is Sapporo. You will not break me!"

There was a beat where no one really knew what to say.

"Congratulations Kurosaki."

"On what? Acting like a complete loon?"

"I have a mission for you. I have reason to believe that Aizen is looking for a…how to put it…a friend for want of a better word."

Ichigo did not like where this was heading.

"We have reason to believe that Aizen has published an ad in the Seretei Communications and you are the person he is looking for."

The Captain Commander passed the magazine to Ichigo, who received it tentatively. Nothing good ever came out of this magazine, he cynically thought. The ad read:

_Tall well-built megalomaniac looking for a Shinigami with_

_a liking for white and black clothes, likes cats with blue and _

_orange hair, who appreciates a good fuc-_

_shia garden, tea, Superman and tal-_

_king, without getting too serious. _

"But Captain this doesn't say anything –"

"Oh it's in a code of sorts. You should only read lines 1, 3, and 5.

Bu-dup.

That would be the sound of Ichigo keeling over in shock.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

* * *

While Ichigo was busy convulsing in abject shock over the new job that he would have to do (and judging by Aizen's personal ad, it's safe to guess what kind of job Ichigo would have to perform), Rukia was busily making her way over to the Sixth Division in order to speak to Renji.

Rukia walked into Renji's quarters just in time to catch him coming out of the bathroom wearing only a towel. If Renji ever wanted to impress Rukia (and everyone except Rukia and that dimwit, Ichigo, knows that Renji wants to impress Rukia) now was the time. The scene was set. He stepped out of the shower, steam billowing mysteriously around him and then...he emerged in slow motion, wind-blown, side-lit and rippling with buffness. Rukia stared at him in awe.

"Renji..." She cried breathlessly.

"Yes Rukia?"

"You know, I never noticed it before, but..."

"You never noticed how much you're attracted..." Renji prompted.

"I never noticed how much I'm attracted to..." Rukia halted, a blush spreading across her face.

"To..." Renji leaned forward.

"To..." She paused again. In the meanwhile, grass grew, paint dried and fish spawned.

"To..." Renji prompted again.

"To Ichigo."

"To ME! Yes! Wait! What?"

Renji sweatdropped.

"Wait, you thought I was going to call your name?" Rukia asked genuinely confused.

"Well...well, yeah."

"But, I thought that you were in love with Nii-sama."

"What?"

"You're not?"

"No, woman!"

"But you're always talking about how you're trying to surpass him and what not."

"Yes, surpass him and get to you."

"Surpass him and get to me?"

Renji sighed.

"Rukia, isn't it obvious? Captain Kuchiki wants you."

Rukia's already large eyes widened to take up almost half of her face.

"Oh my god."

"I know. It's gross."

"Oh my god." Rukia moaned again. She started to rock.

"I mean he wants to date his dead wife's sister that's now his sister."

"Oh my god."

"I know. I don't know what kind of sister-in_cest_-law practicing noble he is. That's just sick."

"Oh god." Rukia continued to moan.

Renji looked over at Rukia. She had wrapped her body into the foetal position and was busy rocking herself. It was entirely possible that she was having an anxiety attack.

"Rukia?" Renji tentatively called out.

"It's all coming true."

"What is?" He asked gently as he kneeled beside her to rub her back.

"Hisagi and The Seretei Communications are right. It's all coming true. You're in love with me. Byakuya nii-sama is in love with me. Soon I'm going to be the biggest slut in all of Soul Society!"

"Wha?" Renji asked in genuine confusion.

"I've read the fanfics, Renji." She looked up at him with desperation shining in her eyes. "Before I came here, I went back to the Ninth Division and asked Hisagi for his records from this Fanfiction. net site. You know what happens to me in those fics? After sleeping in Ichigo's closet for some relative amount of time I end up in his bed, preferably after a thunder storm, and of course we end up having sex. But of course I cannot deny my love for you and I end up sleeping with you also. Then Ichigo's Hollow attacks me/rape me and the only person who can come to my aid is nii-sama and I inevitably end up sleeping with him after he realizes that I really _do_ look like his dead wife. Somewhere around that time I get sent to Hueco Mundo because Inoue is kidnapped-prone and Ichigo goes to save her, so I follow him and you and nii-sama follow me. While there I manage to sleep with Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, Stark, Gin and Aizen and still make time to get seconds from you, Ichigo and nii-sama. Ichigo saves the day, we come back to Soul Society after rescuing Inoue and I am so overwhelmed with joy that I sleep with her too. Then in an effort to repay me for the great sex I gave her she somehow reincarnates Kaien-dono and I end up sleeping with him too. Oh my god! It's all going to come true. I'm going to be the biggest slut in Soul Society!"

Renji was so flabbergasted that he clammed up leaving Rukia hollering out nonsense like, "I'm going to have a three-way with my brother and my dead teacher!"

After a while Renji got up to get Rukia a glass of water. As she sipped on her water he went back into the closet to put on his uniform. He looked back at Rukia as she stared blankly pondering her fate on the fast track to becoming the Seretei's resident skank.

"And do you know what the worst part of it is, Renji?"

"Hmm?"

"If this comes through, it more than likely means that the Seretei Communications was right about Ichigo too."

"What about Ichigo?"

"That he's gayer than if Szayel and Yumichika spawned and made a supergay unstoppable twink complete with feathers, pink hair and a limp wrist."

"Ichigo's not gay." Was all Renji could say, though he had to admit, there was no proof that Ichigo wasn't.

* * *

Meanwhile...

After copious amounts of smelling salts Ichigo finally woke up only to realize that this was not all a realistically bad dream. The Captain Commander truly wanted to pimp him out.

"Listen here," Ichigo started up in a decidedly hostile manner. "I refuse to go on any fucking mission that involves me having to go bone Aizen!" Yeah, Ichigo soon gave up on that subdue-his-anger-with-historical-facts therapy. If he had to keep that up he'd soon be speaking the entire collection of Britannica encyclopaedias.

"Kurosaki, calm down. You won't have to do anything sexual with Aizen." The Captain Commander calmly replied.

"I won't?"

"No. You'll be saving the Soul Society and you'll hardly have to do anything at all."

"I won't?"

"Not at all. All you have to do is reply to the ad, set up a meeting with Aizen and then the Gotei 13 will be there to spring upon him. It's like a sting operation."

"Okay, okay." Ichigo replied, still a bit uneasily.

"So you're agreeing?"

"I guess so. I mean I don't really have to do anything, right?"

"Nope, not really. Now just sign here,"

Suddenly Lieutenant Sasakibe dropped in Ichigo's lap a fifteen page document in fine print.

"The hell?"

"Just standard operating procedure."Sasakibe answered. "Sign here, here, here, initials here and here, and sign here, here and here. Oh and in block letters here and here."

"Ummm, maybe I should take the time to read –"

"We don't have the time, Kurosaki!" The Captain Commander boomed. Ichigo flinched at the corrosive tone and immediately signed in all the required places.

"Right. That was just a confidentiality clause Kurosaki. First things first. We have to draft a reply to Aizen's ad and to get you coached in the art of seduction. For that I requested the aid of the only Captain to have ever been successfully married, Captain Kuchiki."

Right on cue walked in Byakuya, scarf a-swirling and wearing his usual I-am-better-than-you-in-every-way expression.

"You've gotta be kidding me." Ichigo muttered.

"Right then. I'll just leave you two to work together."

With that the Captain Commander and his lieutenant got up and exited leaving Ichigo and Byakuya alone in the office.

"This is karma isn't it?" Ichigo muttered as he held his head in his hands. "This is the gods getting me back for all the time that you told me to call you by your proper name and I didn't and for all the times that I called Rukia a midget and for every wrong thing that I possibly could have ever done. This is the worst day of my life. Everyone thinks that I'm gay and now I have to go woo Aizen." Ichigo lamented.

"Kurosaki, I too believe in karma. So I better step away from you before you are simultaneously struck by lightning, splashed with mud and hit by a train." Byakuya uttered.

Ichigo looked up at him questioningly.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that things are about to get a lot worse for you. To convince Aizen of your attentions I took the liberty of subscribing you to a series of magazines so that you'd be better able to adopt your role. So far you now subscribe to _Homotography, Thrust, Male Insider_ and _Boys and Toys_."

Ichigo looked at Byakuya. He wasn't sure but he was almost positive that a small smirk had inched its way onto the noble's face.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**A/N: Sorry about the late update. This chapter is dedicated to ****allan caldeini**

**

* * *

**

_ICHIGO KUROSAKI OVERTAKES CAPTAIN KUROTSUCHI AS SERTEI'S RESIDENT PERVERT_

_According to a new report released last Tuesday by a panel of renowned perverts and sickos, Ichigo Kurosaki will surpass Twelfth Division Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi, as the Seretei's dominant freak._

_The findings were recently published in the esteemed literary periodical, 'Pervs,' and have supported the speculation that Mayuri is indeed losing his creepy factor to the orange-haired Substitute Shinigami. This report follows on the heels of The Seretei Communications' exclusive report into Kurosaki's preference for anyone of the male persuasion. Seriously, anyone. There might even be a fic of him and the Captain Commander and the Seretei Communication would like to publicly announce its distaste for gerontophilia. _

_According to the report Ichigo has suddenly emerged as a massive pervert after his subscription to homoerotic magazines like 'Boys and Toys' and 'Male Insider' were made public to the Seretei Communications by an unknown source. Our private source, Captain Byakuya Kuchiki, who wishes to remain unnamed, has found evidence that Kurosaki has been subscribing to magazines like 'Whips and Wood' since 1976. In other words, Kurosaki has been a homoerotic pervert since before he was born. Such evidence of extremely unhealthy fetishes has been unheard of since The Seretei Communications discovered Captain Soi Fon's stalker stash of stuffed black cats all named Yoruichi-sama. _

_However, it should be noted that Captain Kurotsuchi sees no competition for his title as lead freak. _

"_I don't think Kurosaki and I can even be compared," Kurotsuchi argued, "I mean, I like to have baths with my daughter present and I like to revive her through thoroughly indecent sexually-tinged procedures. I mean let's face it. I made my daughter incredibly hot and continually approve of her wearing a most impractically short uniform for battle. That's weird. But Kurosaki is just a different kind of strange. 'Whips and Wood?' I'm weird, but he's a freak." _

Rukia finished reading out loud the article to Ichigo, whom was surprisingly not smouldering in rage like she expected him to. She narrowed her eyes at him.

"What the hell is going on, Ichigo?" Rukia demanded as they sat in the back garden outside her room at the Kuchiki manor.

Ichigo stared at Rukia, his mind running to the confidentiality clause he had signed absolutely forbidding him to let it be known to anyone about his mission or the fact that it was bloody Byakuya that set him up for those subscriptions, unless he wanted to be sued so badly by the Seretei law firm, 'Shinigami and Shinigami', that he wouldn't even be able to own enough saliva to spit on himself if ever on fire. And also his testicles would be crushed in a vice.

"Ummm..."Ichigo started off sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his head, "It's not what you think."

"Really? _Whips and Wood_?"

"Yeah. 'Whips and Wood.' Never heard of it? It's a...ummm...it's an uh...it's a carpentry magazine."

"Carpentry?"

"Mmhmm. You know, for those who prefer not to use like...traditional hammer and nails and prefer to umm...beat the wood...with a whip." Ichigo finished lamely.

"Beat the wood with a whip? Is that a metaphor for something?" Rukia asked in honest confusion.

Ichigo's eyes shot in the air as he realized that his pathetic excuse only worsened the situation. Now not only has he convinced Rukia that he's gay and into gay porn, but he apparently now likes to use cheesy metaphors for masturbation.

"Oh my god! No! No! Just no. Don't think about that! Stop thinking about that! I don't do that!"

Rukia stared up at him with those large inky blue eyes that he loved so much. He couldn't believe that he had just said that. They should attach electrodes to his brain because with that amount of brain power he could help find the cure for cancer, he sarcastically thought.

"Ichigo? What's really going on? Just two days ago you were ready to rip Hisagi a new pair after he printed that article about you being gay. Now, they're saying that you subscribe to homoerotic magazines and you offer me the world's stupidest lie as a cover up. I know that something is off. The last time I saw a guy as tightly wound as you he was in a sarcophagus. Is there..." Urahara has time to build another underground training station in that pause. "...something you wanted to tell me?"

"Listen Rukia, it's actually..." Ichigo's mind wandered to an image of him getting his balls crushed in a vice and he quickly changed his direction. "Would you like to come with me to Hueco Mundo tonight? I hear the desert's beautiful this time of year."

"Hueco Mundo? But haven't Aizen, Gin and the Espadas Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, Halibel, Aarionero and every other bad person that we've slept with in those fanfics been resurrected and will be there?" Rukia hysterically asked with paranoia as a vision of her as the Seretei's future slut ran through her mind.

"Yes, but I have something to do over there –"

"I bet you do." Rukia mumbled in a sotto voice. Hisagi and the Seretei Communications were right. She and Ichigo are going to end up as Soul Society's biggest sluts and it all starts in Hueco Mundo. But wait. Did Ichigo just ask her out on a date?

"I just have to take care of something really quickly, a mission of sorts, and then I was thinking that maybe you and I can hang out." Ichigo continued. "You know, together and not fight Hollows in any form this time."

Rukia looked up at Ichigo who was trying his best to look all casual and nonchalance by screwing up his face into a scowl. She couldn't help but smirk. Maybe she could convince Ichigo that being a gay skank whore is not for him. And there was no way she was going to sleep with Ulquiorra. For Christ's sake she never even spoke to the guy!

"Sure. Maybe like go see a movie after you complete your mission? I'd like that."

Unbeknownst to Rukia and Ichigo, Byakuya Kuchiki stood just out of vision at the corner of the veranda. He immediately spun around scarf a-swirling and headed straight for his office where he immediately summoned his lieutenant.

"Yes, Captain? You summoned me?" Renji said, panting hard as he made a faint bow when he entered the Captain's head office.

"Hiya, Tattoo-head!"

"Lieutenant Kusajishi?"

"Hey!" Yachiru chirped as she perched atop Byakuya's desk sucking on a lollipop.

"Renji, you know that I am trying to be a better brother to Rukia and that I don't want her to get hurt by marrying just anybody. I only want the best for her. I'd rather she'd marry no one, because let's be honest, there is no one good enough for her." Byakuya said.

"Except for me, sir." Renji gently corrected his superior. Byakuya stared at him blankly for a few seconds with a slightly raised eyebrow, and then continued writing up his paperwork.

Renji nodded. He was only joking when he told Rukia that he thought Captain Kuchiki wanted her, but he was seriously beginning to have doubts.

Byakuya continued,

"Renji I fear that on the suggestion of Lieutenant Kusajishi the scheme that I implanted to make Rukia think that Ichigo is a homosexual by getting Hisagi to run those articles and convincing the Captain Commander to let me train the Kurosaki brat for his mission is not going to plan. Rukia is still in love with the low-class buffoon. As a matter of fact, they are going on a date." Byakuya said casually as he filled out some paperwork.

"Nice going, Captain Counterproductive." Renji murmured.

"What was that?" Yachiru started as her reiatsu slightly bristled the atmosphere.

"Nothing Lieutenant." Renji hastily answered.

"Listen Scribbles, Bya-kun only wants the best for Shortie and I only want the best for Byakushi, so the plan stays. It's a minor setback. And never question my brilliance again!" Yachiru reprimanded Renji.

But Renji persevered.

"Umm, Captain, I must confess that I'm a bit uneasy with this plan. I mean, I like Rukia too and though I would prefer that she chose me, I don't want to see her unhappy. I have this fight with myself all the time over whether I'm doing the right thing by helping you convince Rukia that Ichigo's gay. I mean, they're both my best friends and I want to see them happy. But on the other hand, I would really love it if she married me. I just don't know what to do."

"I'm sorry Doodles, but I missed what you said because I passed out from boredom." Yachiru yawned.

Renji sweatdropped.

"Captain, this is really important to me! I'm battling with myself over whether I'm doing the right thing or not!"

"You're fighting with yourself over that? Wow. I haven't seen a fight that intellectually advanced since the famed battle of _My Dog Versus His Tail: This Time I Will Catch It; The Sequel_." Yachiru replied as she threw the lollipop at Renji and it stuck to his hair.

"Captain, are you even listening to me?"

"Renji get packed. We're leaving for Hueco Mundo." Byakuya answered, as usual ignoring his Lieutenant.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**A/N**: There are some spoilers from the manga in this chapter, so if you don't want to be spoiled you probably shouldn't read further. Chapter dedication: _**roll model

* * *

**_

"So what ya doin' later today, Captain Aizen?" asked Gin in a sweet sing-song voice as he sat down with Aizen for their five o'clock tea.

"Not what, Gin, but whom am I doing later today." Aizen gently corrected him causing Gin to nearly choke on his tea and briefly lose his creepy serial-killer smile.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Aizen smiled and flicked his Michael Jackson circa 1991 curl out of his eyes.

"Why Gin, I'm surprised you hadn't heard. The Seretei Communications has ousted Kurosaki from the closet and I'll be the one to..."Aizen paused as he searched for the right double entendre to freak out his subordinate in the best perverted way. "...get him to learn the 'ropes' so to speak."

Gin smiled even more broadly in an attempt to tighten his lips and prevent the vomit that had developed in his throat from ending up on his commanding officer. Aizen. Ropes being used as a euphemism for his penis. Ugh. What did ropes ever do to you to deserve such treatment, Gin wondered and smiled again to hide his true thoughts. But then a curious concern entered his mind.

"Captain, I was wonderin', ever since ya merged with the Hōgyoku and came out lookin' like an even gayer version of a Ken doll, is everything...down there...working properly?" Gin asked in genuine curiosity.

"Oh Gin, that's for me to know and Kurosaki to find out. Unless you want to join in on the fun?"

"Aww Captain, thanks for the offer, but I'd rather have a root canal done on me while I'm simultaneously waterboarded than be in a ménage a trios with you and Carrot top." Gin said with an even brighter smile. If he kept that up soon his smile would be touching the back of his spine.

Aizen chuckled appreciatively.

"I must confess Captain that I'm a bit surprised that yer attracted to Kurosaki-kun. I mean, during that last fight we had with him his whining reached unbelievable levels. It's akin to hearing a small female kitten being kicked in the gut. So if he's just come outta the closet, all I have to say is step aside Hello Kitty because someone's coming around with a mean jump kick."

Aizen and Gin threw back their heads and laughed. For it was true, Ichigo can be really whiny at times. He deserved his own CW network show for that. Something called _Gossiping Gilmore Girls On OneTree _ _Sōkyoku__Hill_ or something like that.

"While that may be true, Gin, today Kurosaki is bringing along his pocket sidekick, Kuchiki Rukia and she tends to keep his whining in line."

At that Gin's eyes lit up. Well...on the inside because, you see, his eyes are closed and – you get the idea! He was excited!

"Ooh, I haven't harassed Kuchiki-san in a while. It's been a while since I've had any real chance to plot and scheme. I mean, don't get me wrong Captain, I love playing Chess and Battleship with ya, but that don't really satisfy my thirst for creeping people out."

"Oh apologies aren't necessary. You of all people should know how much I love causing people misery and discomfort. I too miss Tousen; so much that it almost makes me wish he was resurrected. Almost."

At that Gin and Aizen lapsed into a contemplative nostalgic state as they relived the best moments with Tousen, like the time that Aizen manipulated Tousen into cutting off Grimmjow's arm and then when he died splattering blood all over Dog Breath Komamura and Pervert Face Hisagi. Ahh. Good times.

"Well Gin, we're in luck today. I've been reading from a most reliable source, the Seretei Communications that is, that Kurosaki and Kuchiki are terrified that they'll fulfil some Fanfiction .net prophecy and become complete sluts in Hueco Mundo."

"Fanfiction .net? Is that's the Living World Internet site where people with no lives of their own go to write out their fantasies on what they think should happen to the characters of their favourite story?"

"Correct. And they have a lot of fics, as they are known, pairing us together with Kurosaki, Kuchiki, Momo. The list goes on. There's actually a lot of fics with you and Kira."

Gin's smile faltered a bit. There was that gag reflex again.

"But I think that Kurosaki and Kuchiki get the most virtual play. They're paired with everyone. There's a huge fan base for Kuchiki and our Fourth Espada." Aizen continued to explain.

"Ulquiorra and Kuchiki-san? They've never even spoken to each other."Gin replied in genuine confusion.

"There's also a lot of fics depicting the two of us in a relationship of some sort. Usually it's just full porn without plot." Aizen said as he gave Gin a raised suggestive eyebrow; while Gin just looked at him like please sell that crap elsewhere.

"You know, Gin, I think it's a measure of my benevolence that I haven't used Kyōka Suigetsu to hypnotize you into sleeping with me."

"Aww Captain, you have no benevolence. That's why you're bringing Kurosaki here, no? To fuck him and then kill him?"

"Well, when you put it like that." Aizen replied causing both him and Gin to fall into classic evil villain maniacal laughter.

After the laughter had quelled, Gin politely excused himself from the table.

"Where are you headed, Gin?'

"Oh I just have to go prepare and implement my mind-fuck scheme for Kuchiki-san. Don't you have a plan also? I mean, Kurosaki's known to be unpredictable. Ya never know what to expect with him."

"Oh I think that today Kurosaki will do something that everyone but himself expects him to do: a man."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**A/N**: Sorry about the late update. I had a major case of writer's block, plus last Friday was my birthday and I spent the weekend in Tobago. Oh, and I don't actually have a problem with UlquiRuki fics. There're some decent fics of them out there, no matter how random they may be.

* * *

Before he attended to them, Aizen had Ichigo and Rukia wait in one of the many rooms in one of the many buildings painted imagination-lacking white in Hueco Mundo. Ichigo stared listlessly out of the window while he tried to ignore Rukia, who was trying to implement the world's slowest escape plan by pacing her way through the concrete floor. After about ten minutes of watching her do this, he finally snapped.

"Christ Rukia! Would you stop that! This is so unlike you. Usually I'd be the one freaking out and you'd be the one telling me to calm down."

Rukia stopped to stare at him, her glare set at terror alert red before she answered.

"I don't know why you're here or why you even asked me to be here, but I have good reason to be on edge, Ichigo. The Seretei Communications has – has –"

Anger levelled her and she could no longer talk, so she instead flung the copy she had with her at him. He read out loud,

_Less than a week after discovering the site that harbours and enables the character fantasies of losers worldwide, also known as fanfiction .net, literary scholars have confirmed that Rukia Kuchiki will more than likely become Seretei's biggest slut._

_Kuchiki, who has an uncanny ability to get injured, surpassing even the talents of Orihime Inoue, has set herself up in a prime fanfiction .net plot; one that experts say is paramount in the development of a fic that leads to the lemoniest of scenes. Kuchiki Rukia will be behind enemy lines all alone while Kurosaki Ichigo will be busy wasting time fighting at least ten utterly unnecessary opponents, listening to their boring life stories and quite possibly getting fucked by the defected 5__th__ Division Captain, Aizen Sosuke. _

'_This is a prime fanfiction .net plotline." Says perverted lesbian and avid fic reader, Chizuru Honshō. "It's really very typical. More than likely what will happen is that when Ichigo leaves for his mission, Rukia will come across Grimmjow who will want her as his play thing. The lemony goodness will start there, but then that would soon be interrupted by Ulquiorra who will realize that he has a bond with Rukia through something arbitrary and inane like the fact that they both have pale skin and black hair, the details aren't really important. An orgy will start with them. Gin will interrupt that session and Rukia will realize that it wasn't that she was creeped out by him all this time, but she was actually confusing creepy with burning sexual desire. It sort of snowballs from there with the rest of the Arrancars." _

Ichigo didn't bother to read the rest.

"Why the hell did you bother to bring this here? You and Ulquiorra? You've never even spoken to him!"

"I didn't bring that here. It was left here on the coffee table."

Damn you Seretei Communications, Ichigo thought as he seethed with rage.

"I hate this magazine! It's what started this whole mess! I'll read any other publication because I swear this is the worst magazine EVER! It deserves to be rolled up, stomped on, spat on, farted on, doused with cheap beer, set afire and then shredded because I swear this is the biggest affront to the truth since the O.J. Simpson trial!"

Rukia looked at him blankly.

"Who's O.J. Simpson?" She asked innocently and with genuine curiosity, her head tilted slightly to the side and for whatever reason that made him want to smile. He remembered why he was doing all of this – to get rid of Aizen, so that he and Rukia and the rest of the world could have a more peaceful life. She was the one he was fighting for. At that precise moment the door opened and in stepped Gin.

"Kurosaki-kun, Captain Aizen will see ya now."

Ichigo steeled himself to face the worst. "I'll see ya soon, Rukia." He called back at her.

"She's gonna be alright, right?" Ichigo nervously asked Gin as he was led down a corridor.

"Of course she'll be. I put that magazine there for her to read and I sent Grimmjow and Ulquiorra to keep her company." Gin answered smiling wickedly at Ichigo.

"WHAT?"

But Gin's only response was to throw Ichigo into Aizen's thrown room.

"Bye-bye." Gin waved cheerily at him as he shut the door in Ichigo's face. Ichigo turned around to see Aizen sitting serenely with his hand propping up his chin in what he hoped was a casual fashion, but which everyone knew he practised for hours in the mirror to get it right. God, Ichigo really hoped that the Gotei 13 would arrive soon to set up their ambush.

"Ah, Ichigo. How are you today?"

"Umm, well I'm a bit sick today."

"Really? Well then come over here and let me make you feel better."

"I don't think so. It's really contagious."

"What is it?"

"It's a little tricky to pronounce. I always get a little tongue tied. Here's the note that Captain Unohana sent me."

"Gonorrhea Leebarffonu" Aizen read.

"It's read as gonna-really-barf-on-you." Ichigo clarified.

"Uh-huh."

"Yeah, you see right now I'm good, but it acts up when I get like really close to men. Symptoms include extreme vomiting and lockjaw. Lockjaw, I said. You wouldn't want my jaw locking down on anything, now would you?"

"So you're telling me that you're allergic to men?"

"Yes. Yes. So that's why we can't like hold hands or kiss or touch each other in any way whatsoever. Real sorry about that." Not.

"Hmm. Well I once heard that the best way to get over an allergy is to overpower oneself with the offending stimuli. It is similar to when you get an immunization shot you first have to put the poison in yourself before your body gets immune to it."

"Okay. Wait what – wh –wh- what are you saying exactly?"

"I'm saying that I should call in Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Szayel, Stark and Nnoitra in here. I think we can perform an _invasive_ procedure to get rid of those allergies."

Ichigo's eyes nearly reached the roof in shock.

"It's a miracle! I'm healed!"

Aizen threw back his head and laughed.

"I always liked you, Kurosaki. I like your never-give-up attitude no matter how hopeless the situation may be. I mean, your Tang-coloured hair is truly the un-sexiest thing since trench foot and striped bow ties, but you wear it proudly." Ichigo absent-mindedly patted his hair in confusion at the insult. "And that's what I like about you; your persistence and tenacity."

"Well I guess not everyone can pull off that business-in-the-front-fuck-me-in-the-back 1985 mullet that you've got going on, but I suppose it's like you said – tenacity."

"Oh, there's no need to get worked up. But if you are I know a way how you can relieve some of that tension. Follow me." Aizen said as he stood up, walked to the right and opened a door. He held the door open and motioned for Ichigo to step in. Ichigo paused, afraid of what lay in that room. He imagined a room adorned with soft pillows, low lighting from flickering candles and wafting music for _ambience_. The thought gave him the shivers.

"After you." Aizen politely gestured.

"No, after you." Ichigo insisted. He definitely did not want Aizen anywhere behind him. Aizen obliged and Ichigo followed sincerely hoping that when he stepped onto that threshold he'd be stepping off of a cliff. But more than likely he'd fall into a trap door where he'd be Aizen's pet play thing forever. Suddenly, _Silence of the Lambs _comes to him. _It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again. _Dear God, he felt like he was getting another attack of Gonorrhea Leebarffonu.

Ichigo entered and was thankful that the room did not look like a Morrocan boudoir or the bottom of Buffalo Bill's basement, but unfortunately it did look like a photo spread straight out of _Whips and Wood._

"What the fu –"

"I knew you'd like it. After I read in the Seretei Communications that you subscribe to _Homotography _and _Boys and Toys_ I had my evil minions, I mean, helpful subordinates, transform it into this kinky pad."

Curse you to HELL, Byakuya. Curse you to HELL, Seretei Communications! But Ichigo managed to refrain from saying that and instead said,

"Umm, first of all, no. I'm not into that. Secondly, 'kinky pad?' What are you Austin Powers?" He muttered the last part in exasperation.

"Well I suppose that means you're the spy who shagged me, right?"

Ichigo's eyes bulged in surprise that Aizen would have gotten that Living World reference. In that moment of Ichigo's shock Aizen seized upon the opportunity to shunpo towards Ichigo, coming close enough feel Ichigo's breath on his cheek.

"Come now, Ichigo. Enough romance. Let's fuck."

**A/N**: Hmmm...how will Ichi get out of this one? XD. We're getting close to the end. About two more chapters to go.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**A/N**: Sorry about the late update; writer's block. Chapter dedication:**GhibliGirl91**

**

* * *

**

Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez and Ulquiorra Ciffer. The names still sounded the same even after Rukia had hastily swallowed the crackers in her mouth. Terrified to find herself face to freaky ass face with the men who would be the start of her sexual downfall, Rukia's first instinct was to draw her zanpakutou.

"What ya doin'?" Grimmjow asked her as Rukia positioned herself in a fighting stance.

"What does it look like she's doing? She's engaging you in battle." Ulquiorra answered for her with all the passion of a boiled shoe.

"I know that! I just wanted to know why?" Grimmjow screamed at him.

"Generally when one wants to know why, one starts a sentence along those lines, using unambiguous words like, 'why'." Ulquiorra passholed-aggressholed.

"One of these days I'm going to rip that bougie tongue out of your mouth and shove it up the crack of my butt so that you can get a better idea of how much I want you to kiss my ass!"

"Classy. Would you like me to finish her off for you, and spare us all the waste of time fight that you will inevitably lose, again?"

"Umm, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not the one that turned into a flying ashtray when Ichigo defeated me."

"No you instead turned into Ben-Gali from the Thundercats cartoon."

"That's not true! My resurrection did not look as gay as that! You think you're better than me, Emo-bat? Trust me; I can take on your ass and any other person inside here!"

"I do trust you. I trust you to make the wrong decision at any given time."

"Umm, excuse me." Rukia humbly tried to interject but was cut off with a resounding, "Not now, woman!" from Grimmjow and an icy, "Shut up, trash!" from Ulquiorra.

Rukia sheathed her sword and stepped back and watched the scene unfolding before her with furrowed brows. Was it her or was there an intense heat suddenly burning up the room from the white hot, unbridled sexual desire that was emanating from the two Espadas that was directed not towards her, but at...each other! Rukia tuned back into the argument just in time to hear Grimmjow spit,

"You know what, Ulquiorra? Fuck you!"

Rukia suspected that Ulquiorra secretly, sincerely and un-ironically really liked that idea. But before things got truly out of hand, she decided to really speak up.

"Hey!"

The bickering Espadas turned to look at her.

"What?" Grimmjow barked at her.

"Why don't you two just give up the act and screw each other already?" Rukia asked.

Silence.

"No answer, huh? Only a deep and penetrating silence? And no, I am not sorry about that pun." Rukia said as she pointedly stared up at Grimmjow and Ulquiorra wondering if she'd ever be able to crank her neck back into shape after staring up at them.

"What the hell are you talkin' about, midget? As a matter of fact, why are you so short? Are you standing in a hole?" Grimmjow scowled at her as he attempted to sidestep the topic.

Rukia was about to open her mouth and retort that he _wished _he was as short as her since that would save him the knee burns he'd get from kneeling down to blow Ulquiorra, but then she realized that that's not something a Kuchiki lady would say. Out loud anyway. But luckily, Ulquiorra cut her off before she got the chance to change her mind.

"Listen to me woman, Grimmjow and I are not the ones in danger of coming to terms with our latent homosexual attributes. That would be your precious human-turned-hollow brat, Kurosaki."

"What?"

"The reason that Kurosaki is here is for Aizen-sama to sexually do with him what he pleases and then kill him. Kurosaki probably intended to infiltrate here as a spy, but his resistance is futile because I'm sure Aizen-sama already tied him up securely."

"When you say 'tied him up', exactly what do you mean? Do you mean like tied up in like he's really busy?" Rukia cautiously asked.

"Yes, provided that the word busy can be substituted for sadomasochism."

"What? Ichigo, I'm coming!" Was all the Espadas heard Rukia scream before she left them in a blur of shunpo.

"Right about now Ichigo's probably hearing that exact sentence from Aizen." Grimmjow muttered.

An awkward silence passed between the two Espadas that sounded dangerously close to the world's longest scraping of nails across a chalkboard. Finally, Grimmjow said,

"So uhh...whaddya say? You wanna fuck?"

As Rukia ran down the halls of Hueco Mundo she heard in the distance behind her a loud bang followed by, "Fuck Ulquiorra! I was only joking!"

Meanwhile...

* * *

I won't launch into the lurid and sordid details of exactly how Ichigo's ingenious plan of pulling a Spiderman and scaling up the wall in an attempt to escape Aizen after he was rudely cornered and propositioned, failed spectacularly. But I will tell you that our not so intrepid hero is now tied to Aizen's bed in such a way that he looks like he's about to make a snow angel in Aizen's silk sheets had he the ability to move his arms and legs. Luckily for Ichigo, he still has on his boxer briefs so pixellators won't have to be borrowed from Mtv's Real World and the author of this fic won't have to launch into a pervertedly-correct description of Ichigo's...umm...what's the word I'm looking for? Umm...uhh...Alright fine! So I won't have to describe Ichigo's penis!

Ichigo himself was not precisely clear on exactly how he ended up in the position that he was in, but he was grateful that things had not gotten out of hand or out of his boxer briefs for that matter. He opened his eyes to see Aizen standing at the foot of the bed dressed in a period piece. And by period piece he didn't mean that Aizen was attired in era-accurate mid-eighteenth century Edo wear, but Ichigo meant that Aizen looked like he was wearing a giant tampon suit.

"The hell!" Ichigo exclaimed in shock and confusion.

Aizen smiled and gave his greasy Soul Glo hair that would not have out of place on Rick James' _Superfreak _video, a gentle flick before he answered.

"This is my second Resurrection, Ichigo."

"This is your Resurrection! Are you for real? And here I thought that the first one was bad. At least in that one you just looked like a gay hillbilly with those white pencil pants, form-fitting flasher trench coat and mullet. But this! You look like a bloody maxi pad with wings!" Ichigo screamed at him.

"It's a butterfly." Aizen gently corrected him. Ichigo sweatdropped.

"I don't know what made you think that that is any better." Ichigo scoffed.

Unfortunately for Ichigo, Aizen's only response to Ichigo's well-articulated opinions on Aizen's sense of fashion was a delicately raised eyebrow that conveyed slight amusement. Ichigo sighed for things were not going as planned. He was only supposed to make Aizen lapse into a false sense of security with this whole seduction business and the Gotei 13 would then swoop in and make their surprise attack, after which he and Rukia would move on to watch the latest Leonardo Dicaprio movie that aimed to fuck with their minds. Where the hell was the Gotei 13?

"You definitely know how to make me laugh Ichigo." Aizen mused as he walked over to the side of the bed where a plate of previously shucked oysters laid waiting on the bedside stand. "Your hair that makes you look like Scooter from _The Muppet Show, _your constant whining that should earn you a role in that Twilight movie saga, your pathetic attempts at trying to woo that Kuchiki girl; the list goes on but you always make me laugh."

Ichigo resisted the urge to tell Aizen fuck you for fear that Aizen took it literally. Instead, he lay there quietly seething with boiling rage as he concentrated all of his efforts into wishing Aizen a sick , sad and slowly painful death that involved that Candiru fish that swims up men's penises to slowly and viciously eat its way out.

"Oh Ichigo, you look stiff."

Ichigo instantly looked down at his boxers relieved to see that that was not the case.

Aizen again threw back his head and laughed.

"No, I meant that you seem tense. Here have an oyster with some wasabi. It's an aphrodisiac."

It was not a suggestion, but rather an order and soon Ichigo found himself choking on the slimy and flaming aphrodisiac.

"Ughh! That was supposed to be an aphrodisiac? Christ! That was awful! My eyes are red and burning. It smells and tastes fresh. God! It took me everything not to gag. Ughh!"

Aizen smiled.

"Hmm, now you know how I'll feel." Aizen smirked as he prepared to bow down.

Ichigo's eyes dilated in fear as he screamed for help,

"RUKIA!"

* * *

**A/N**: Who will get there first? Rukia or Aizen? And where is Byakuya, Renji and the rest of the Gotei 13? Will Ichigo realize that he really is gay? Will he and Rukia ever be together? All those questions will be answered in the next and final chapter of this fic.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**A/N**: A million apologies for the late update. I had a massive, acute and sudden attack of writer's block. In an effort to make up for this I have made the final chapter longer and more perverted than before. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

"Captain Hitsugaya, are you sure you can get into that space? It's kind of tight and you're a small man."

"Matsumoto, how many times do I have to tell you that when you're lying on your back height is no longer an issue?"

"Yes Captain, but in a situation like this don't you wish you had an extra three inches, maybe four?"

"What man doesn't wish he had an extra three or four inches in a situation like this? But I think it's the position that's really making it difficult."

"Oh don't try to blame it on the position. It's because you're small."

"What! You know with all that talk you can just do it yourself!"

"I have been doing it myself for years and I always get it done faster than you."

"This isn't a race!"

"That's true. Speed is definitely not in your favour here, Captain. I mean you're small and you're fast. That's good in a battle, but now..."

"Yes, I know. I have to turn my hands slow and get in deep. Matsumoto, you think I don't know what I'm doing?"

"It didn't look so..." She muttered. "For a second there I thought you needed directions."

"Matsumoto!" He growled.

"Oh my god, Captain! I think – I think that – oh my goodness! Captain! Captain! Captain! Oh God!"

"Goddamit Matsumoto! I told you to tell me in advance! Oh yuck! Uggh! Now I got it all in my mouth."

It was about this time that the Hell butterfly gracefully fluttered into Matsutmoto's bathroom where Captain Hitsugaya lay wedged in the space between the toilet and the bath where he had just finished unscrewing the flush valve of the toilet tank and where his Lieutenant stood above him, as usual being useless while he did all the work. Captain Hitsugaya rose up spitting out toilet water as he extended his hand to receive the message from the Hell Butterfly who at that moment, like Hitsugaya, wished that it was pinned to a frame and mounted on some Englishman's wall; anywhere but here in other words.

"Ugh! Matsumoto next time, don't call me to fix your toilet, okay!"

"Jeez. You do know the water in the tank is clean, right? What does the message say?"

"It says that we all have an emergency meeting at the Captain Commander's office now. Let's just hurry up and go."

Matsumoto and Hitsugaya walked into the Captain Commander's office to see pockets of high level Shinigami hanging around in corners while they awaited the presence of the Captain Commander. They entered just in time to hear this snippet of conversation between Yumichika and Ikkaku.

"Aye, I heard that that Grimmjow Espada made _The Seretei Communications_' Number One Sexiest Soul Alive or Dead poll this year." Yumichika casually mentioned as he flicked through the latest issue of the magazine.

"Eh heh?" Ikkaku said as he idly inspected his zanpakutou. "Last year it was Captain Kuchiki, followed by Ichigo, then Renji then Captain Hitsugaya, then Hisagi followed by Urahara and that Quincy guy."

Everyone turned to look at him as they gave him a collective, hairline-touching eyebrow pop.

"Not that I pay attention to that kinda thing." Ikkaku hastily added while Yumichika nearly bit his tongue off in an effort not to laugh out loud.

"Order, order." Came the booming voice of the Captain Commander and everyone focused their attentions on him. "Presently, Ichigo Kurosaki and Rukia Kuchiki are in Hueco Mundo. Kurosaki is on a mission where he is undercover as Aizen's fuck-buddy with the sole purpose of taking down – I mean, going down on – no, I mean, I always get it mixed up. He's there to take down and _not_ go down on, Aizen."

"All by himself?" Captain Soi Fon asked in genuine incredulity.

"Kuchiki-san is with him." Captain Ukitake answered.

"Again, I ask, all by himself?"

"Hey! Rukia's quite the capable Shinigami." Ukitake defended.

"Really? What are her skills besides needing Ichigo to save her and being able to take part in the curling finals at the Winter Olympics with her zanpakutou?"

"What's Curling?" Captain Kyoraku asked.

"Curling is an Olympic sport where players slide stones across a sheet of ice towards a target area." Lieutenant Ise Nanao answered.

"And that's a sport! In the Olympics!"

"Is that like the ghetto version of the Winter Olympics?" Lieutenant Iba inquired.

"Curling? Sounds about as fun as pushing stones on the ice, which well, we know is not fun, but actually quite lame. Kinda like Rukia, no?" Soi Fon said.

"Excuse me, but Kuchiki-san could – she's quite skilled at – Wow. She's quite useless, isn't she?" Lieutenant Sasakibe ended lamely.

"You should talk," muttered Hisagi in a sotto voice, "What? You have like two fanfics in your name? You were last seen being useful when Ichigo used you as a punching bag when he first came to rescue Rukia."

Sasakibe never got a chance to respond (I suppose thus reiterating Hisagi's point of how easily ignored Sasakibe is), since he was cut off by Captain Ukitake.

"What are you talking about? There have been a number of times that she has had to save Ichigo."

"Oh come on she can't be trusted with that. She went to save Ichigo and his family from one, yes ONE hollow and look how that ended. She gave him all of his powers and somehow Ichigo ended up gay." Soi Fon contended.

"Well –wait, what? Ichigo's not gay."

"You got any proof that he's not?" Soi Fon queried.

"Of course." Ikkaku stepped up saying. "He could never be bent what with that warm bright orange hair that reminds you of comforting and warm pumpkin pie, the way that his muscles ripple when he swings his zanpakutou, which is the biggest zanpakutou that I've ever seen; the way that he casually passes his hands through his hair when he's frustrated, the way that his school pants hug his thighs and butt and the way that his school shirt is so fitted that the buttons are in danger of becoming projectiles and letting the world be privy to that toned chest and stomach with abs that are hard enough to grate cheese on and those inviting chocolate orbs –"

"Ahem."

"Huh? Oh, right. Yeah, Ichigo's not gay." Ikkaku again hastily murmured before he sat down again.

"Okay, I believe that _Ichigo_ is not gay, but as for other people...I won't name names..." Captain Kyoraku said with a sly smile as he looked pointedly at Ikkaku.

"Whatever. Ichigo's all man, okay. He's so much man that he doesn't want any more man in his life." Captain Ukitake defended.

"Would you people shut the hell up! We have a task to do!" Hitsugaya shouted.

"Alright Gotei 13 let's ship out and take down that fairy Aizen!" Kenpachi grinned as he got up.

"Hey! You really shouldn't use such derogatory remarks in relation to the homosexual community. That's offensive!" Kira demanded.

"Oh no, no." Hisagi was quick to clarify. "He really is a fairy. He's got the wings and all. He's like Tinkerbell, but with a mullet."

"Oh. Umm, well...in that case...Let's go take down that fairy!"

"Come again?" Captain Unohana asked.

"Ichigo's probably saying that same thing right about now." Yumichika muttered.

"Ichigo's not gay!" Captain Ukitake vehemently defended.

"Ark! Ark!"

"What's that sound?" Captain Ukitake cried.

"That would be the vultures of foreshadowing. Ark! Ark!" said Hisagi.

Meanwhile...

* * *

The vultures of foreshadowing were busy circling the incriminating evidence of Ichigo's sexuality as Aizen lowered his head to Ichigo's pelvic area and while Ichigo took a deep breath and bravely and unabashedly shouted in a voice that dropped at least three octaves,

"RUKIA!"

"Tsugi no mai, Hakuren."

A massive and powerful wave of ice shot towards Ichigo and Aizen. Unfortunately Aizen leapt out of the way a moment too soon and Ichigo's lower half was left to take the brunt of Rukia's Shikai. Rukia stood there in shock that for the second time she came to Ichigo's aid and has indeed made the situation worse.

"Ah yes, so this is what the pitter patter of little feats sound like." Aizen mused as Rukia struggled not to look at Ichigo who was strapped to the bed, lower half encased in ice, his face etched with a look of frozen terror and shock.

"Kuchiki Rukia, I hope that it was not your intention to save Ichigo from being my sexual slave," Aizen continued as he flicked, not his hair this time, but one of his butterfly wings out of the way. "Because I should let you know that his resistance is futile and your efforts are pathetic. There is no way that –"

"Excuse me, but are you going to start monologuing?" Rukia interrupted him.

"Um...well, well yes."

"Okay, let me save you the trouble, okay. I already know what you're going to say. You're the greatest and my pathetic attempts to overcome you are so insignificant they might as well be invisible. No one can defeat the god that you are and blah blah blah yada yada. It was going to be something along those lines, no?" Rukia asked as she gave Aizen a pointed look.

"Umm..." Aizen looked to Ichigo, who in frozen shock temporarily lost the use of his voice, tried to convey with his eyebrows that yes, you do tend to go off onto a soliloquy and yes it does tend to fall along those lines. But conveying that message through his eyebrows alone would involve Ichigo having eyebrows with the contortionistic ability akin to that of an eastern European gymnast.

"Fine then."Aizen huffed, momentarily losing his surgically implanted smug look. "I'll just kill you without the preamble. I hope that you have a considerably lucrative life insurance policy and a close relationship with whatever higher power you support."

Aizen raised his zanpakutou, but then everyone heard,

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

Ichigo, Rukia and Aizen looked up to see Byakuya block Aizen's attack on Rukia, but Aizen merely flicked away Byakuya's Death by a Million Paper Cuts attack also known as Byakuya's shikai.

"Byakuya. Abarai." Aizen greeted as if he expected Byakuya and Renji to be there and that's what bugged Rukia and Ichigo the most – the fact that Aizen always seemed prepared. He was the ultimate Boy Scout with an extensive knowledge of knots as he recently proved to the now bound Ichigo.

"Kurosaki," Byakuya turned to Ichigo, "I have to confess that your current predicament is fifty percent due to my nefarious deeds and fifty percent to your ineradicable uselessness in a battle."

Ichigo sweatdropped.

"What!" Ichigo cried in annoyance, happy that his voice had returned.

"I know that you want to be with my sister, Kurosaki and I do not approve of this, which is why I went through the trouble of trying to convince Rukia that you were gay."

"WHAT!" Rukia and Ichigo screamed in unison.

"Defeating Aizen was only a by-product of that plan." Byakuya continued as if without interruption.

"But of course I saw through your plan –"

"Yes, yes," Renji interrupted, "We know that you saw through the plan and probably will see through plans that my future children will make. Yes, we get it; you are the all-powerful, all-seeing, all-douche bag Lord Aizen. We get it. Just don't monologue! God! Because of you that battle of Karakura Town could have ended three months earlier. Jeez!"

"But Rukia," Again Byakuya continued as if without interruption because as far as everyone knew, Byakuya only recognized the awesomeness of Byakuya. "I must confess that I have realized that the love that Kurosaki has for you is genuine and strong because no one would willingly put himself in such a situation for the sole purpose of having you live a better life."

Ichigo sweatdropped.

"I risked my life by coming to Soul Society when I had only just got my Shinigami powers, fought against that psycho Kenpachi among others just to save Rukia and you NOW realize that my love for Rukia is real! Give me a break!" Ichigo huffed as he shook his head in disbelief.

"Yeah, but you did it for Orihime." Renji contested.

"Oh come on. I can't save Rukia and not save Inoue."

"Why? It would have saved all of us from hearing her say 'Kurosaki-kun' ten billion times. God! She made me want to stick my zanpakutou in my ears!"

"For real. That's true. No doubt there." Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Byakuya nii-sama and Renji, you did all of that just so that I won't be with Ichigo?"

"Yes. We only wanted for you to be truly happy and be with a man that truly deserves you." Byakuya answered.

"Like me." Renji offered.

"Give it up, Renji." Byakuya admonished.

"I understand and appreciate your concern, but nothing will make me stop loving Ichigo."

"This Lifetime movie special is very entertaining, but I must confess that I'd rather not hear it." Aizen interrupted. "It seems like this date has gone belly-up. No one wants to hear my monologue and Ichigo's not 'putting out' as they say, so the only option left is to kill you." Aizen said and with a meagre flick of his zanpakutou Aizen managed to swipe down in one fell swoop Byakuya, Renji and Rukia.

"RUKIA!" Of course it was Ichigo that said that.

In his rage all of Ichigo's reiatsu was replaced by raw, unadulterated brute strength and coolness as Rukia's ice sheet shattered with the force and Ichigo was now free as he stood in front of Aizen with smouldering rage and power. Aizen smirked as he is wont to do, but never got the chance to launch into another suicide-inducing monologue for Ichigo grabbed him by his neck and broke it, while he resisted the mean-little-boy urge to pluck the wings off of Aizen's body. Like a rag doll, he flung Aizen's lifeless body to the side.

"Well that was anti-climatic." Renji murmured in his last breaths.

"Rukia." Ichigo whispered as he rushed to her side and gently lifted her head so that it could rest on his lap. Rukia, rasping her last breaths looked into Ichigo's teary, almond-coloured eyes and said,

"You couldn't have done that all the friggin' time and saved us all the trouble? We could have finished watching 'Inception' by now."

Ichigo sweatdropped.

He opened his mouth to reply when he was interrupted with,

"Kurosaki-kun!"

"Inoue!"

Cue the collective groan from all as they now had heard 'Kurosaki-kun' repeated for the billionth and tenth time.

"What are you doing here?"

"The entire Gotei 13 is here and they asked me to come in case anyone needed to be healed. They killed everyone in Hueco Mundo except Grimmjow and Ulquiorra because you have to admit that they were kind of cool."

"Riiiight." Was all Ichigo could manage to say.

* * *

"And that's the story of how we got together." Rukia and Ichigo said to the group consisting of Urahara, Yoruichi, Jinta, Ururu, Tessai, Ishida and Chad as they all sat together in Urahara's shop three weeks later.

"So, if it wasn't for The Seretei Communications all of this would never had happened?" Urahara questioned.

"Well technically, if it weren't for Yachiru and Byakuya this would never have happened, but yes I suppose if Ichigo had never read that first article in _The Seretei Communications_ he would have never had known about the whole Ichigo-is-gay rumour." Rukia agreed.

"Yeah, I suppose the Seretei Communications isn't that bad since it did help bring Rukia and me together, in a roundabout sort of way."

"Hmm, well I suppose you wouldn't mind reading one more article, huh?"

_**Dead Villain in Hueco Mundo Turns Out To Be Ichimaru Gin and Tragically Not That Idiot, Aizen Sosuke. **_

_Reports coming out of the recently burnt to the ground Hueco Mundo reveal that the charred remains of a dastardly villain belonged to that of Ichimaru Gin and unfortunately not Aizen Sosuke. The grizzly death befitting of that egotistical Clark Kent wanna-be was regrettably bestowed upon one of the best villains to ever grace Soul Society, Ichimaru Gin. Captain Unohana Retsu who was the first to discover the body said, _

"_When I first came upon the body my heart skipped a beat thinking that, finally Aizen died a sick, sad and slowly painful death where his flesh melted off of his body. But upon closer inspection I noticed the wisps of silver hair and the lack of an annoying smug expression. With great sadness I had to call it that it was really Ichimaru that had died and sadly not Aizen." _

_Soul Society is now in mourning of a truly evil villain that was Ichimaru and not like that chatterbox, Aizen. Captain Commander was quoted as saying, _

"_It's obvious that Aizen was an incredibly nasty and annoying evil dick, but when it came down to being truly creepy and evil, Aizen fell short of being a true villain like Ichimaru and he deserved a better death. Aizen strove for that pinnacle in evil-doing like Ichimaru, but fell short somewhere between Mojo Jojo and Gargamel of the Smurfs."_

_The Seretei Communications have been informed that Aizen's body was never found. Instead only a trail of fairy dust and hair gel remained where his body should have been. One of Seretei's longest serving Captain, Captain Kyoraku Shunsui, commented, _

"_Aizen will be back. He's like herpes. Just when you think he's gone he'll flare up again." _

_Despite reports that Aizen broke his neck while going deep throat on the Substitute Shinigami, Kurosaki Ichigo, it is clear that Aizen is lamentably, not dead and instead, Gin Ichimaru, a true villain, is actually dead. _

_Efforts to contact Kurosaki Ichigo on how he managed to take down Aizen on a gag reflex alone proved futile. However, it has come to the attention of the Seretei Communications that Kurosaki is keeping a low profile by pretending to be the straight boyfriend of one Rukia Kuchiki in an attempt to stave off fanfics from fangirls everywhere that would inevitably have yaoi stories of men like Aizen, Grimmjow and Byakuya wanting to suck on Ichigo's massive cock. _

"That's not what happened!" Ichigo screamed. "Rukia, open a senkai gate. This time I really will kill Hisagi!"

Cue the vultures of foreshadowing. Awk! Awk!

* * *

**A/N**: As they say, that's all folks. Yay me! Another completed fanfic!


End file.
